My heart aches. My mind races. My guts churn.
My body, mind, and spirit are trying to tell me something.
I try to drown out their cries for help… with clever rationalizations, hypnotic entertainments, gluttonous pleasures, mind-numbing chemicals, and trivial pursuits…. but the relief is only temporary.
I cannot outrun my feelings of discontent. I cannot remove them by force or logic. I cannot simply wash them off. I am marinated in them.
My entire being hurts when I am disappointing myself somehow. Sensations of guilt, shame, anger, frustration, resentment, disgust, fear, doubt, anxiety, depression, loneliness, worry, resignation, and boredom follow me everywhere… trying to open my mind and heart… begging me to learn something… begging me to be different.
Unhappiness is my best friend… something inside me that knows better… and something that will continue to make me miserable… until I do better.