Guess what’s more stressful than the time-consuming, aggravating, gut-wrenching process of getting my affairs in order?

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Why it Matters

Guess what’s more stressful than the time-consuming, aggravating, gut-wrenching process of getting my affairs in order?

That’s right…

The anxiety-laden and guilt-ridden stress of NOT having my affairs in order.

Anxiety-laden for at least two reasons…

1. Because I risk losing control of what happens to my still living body should I lose the capacity to speak and act on my own behalf.

2. Because without a will or trust, the disposition of my estate is considered “intestate” and automatically goes into “probate” to be distributed according to the laws in my state. Be advised: I may not be happy with who inherits my wealth when I’m gone.

And guilt-ridden for at least three reasons…

1. Because every unanswered question regarding my healthcare and final wishes may come to burden my family and friends with the most difficult decisions of their entire lives.

2. Because not leaving crystal clear instructions regarding the disposition of my estate saddles my survivors with the potentially expensive, lengthy, aggravating, and contentious process of probate.

3. Because not telling my executors where to find important personal effects and documents will overwhelm my loved ones with the aggravating and emotionally exhausting of trying to figure it all out after I’m gone.

In summary, getting my affairs was more than an ethical, responsible, considerate, and generous thing to do.

It was an act of love.

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Wants & Wishes

Here, for your consideration, is a summary of one man’s final wishes, end-of-life plans, and legal arrangements…

* Nothing here should be interpreted as either general or specific legal advice. Neither should anything here be taken as an endorsement or rejection of any set of very personal choices.

1. I don’t want to outlive my usefulness.
2. I don’t want to outlive my ability to enjoy simple pleasures.
3. I don’t want to linger and wither away.
4. I don’t want anybody to see me linger and wither away.
5. I want my family and friends to remember me full of life and at my most purposeful and courageous best.
6. Near the end, I don’t want to be a burden on anyone’s time, health, energy, and emotions.
7. Should I have the capacity to speak and act on my own behalf, I want (and fortunately have) the option to die with dignity.
8. Should I lose the capacity to speak and act on my own behalf, I want to be kept comfortable and to have no measures taken to prolong my life.
9. I don’t want to squander any of my estate keeping me alive for no other purpose than to prolong suffering and postpone the inevitable.
10. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone’s time, health, energy, and emotions after the fact.
11. I don’t want to leave any of my survivors with work to do–except for making a handful of unavoidable phone calls.
12. I don’t want those who care about me to see me dead.
13. I don’t want anyone to have to dress up and waste any precious heartbeats going to a funeral or memorial service. Neither do I want anyone to be burdened with organizing any such thing. And so, no viewing. No vigil. No wake. No obituary. No ceremony.
14. I don’t want to have my embalmed, powdered, well-dressed corpse put into some fancy box and deposited in a human waste landfill–no matter how peaceful and lovely the grounds may be. Neither do I want my name etched on a granite slab along with some clever phrase.
15. I want to be cremated… immediately. And, per the expressed wishes of certain of my survivors (based on some heavy conversations), my cremains will be distributed to them to do what they will at a time, place, and manner of their choosing.
16. I want 100% of my estate to go to causes that align with my most deeply-held values.

Special Note about the status of my arrangements…
(1) I’ve already communicated the above (both verbally and in writing) to the small circle of family, friends, and authorities concerned.
(2) I’ve identified trusted agents who I respect, who share my values, and who have promised to honor my wishes without hesitation–wishes that are clearly defined in a living will and advance medical care directive.
(3) I’ve already identified and made contact with local hospice organizations that support medical aid in dying.
(4) I’ve already such arrangements by a combination of a living trust and payable on death beneficiary designations as appropriate.
(5) I’ve contracted with a fiduciary (a professional executor) so that none of my survivors will be burdened with managing my estate.
(6) I’ve already contracted with and pre-paid a mortuary to handle all the above, including shipping of my cremains to my survivors who requested them.

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A Hell of a Thing

It’s a hell of a thing to decide how you’d like to end it all when life becomes unlivable and unbearable…

Stop all treatment?

Allow some treatment?

Allow nature to take its course?

Fight to prolong life as long as possible?

Enter hospice?

Die at home or in a facility?

Unalive myself?

Take advantage of medical aid in dying?

(Read my thoughts and feelings about all the above in Death with Dignity)

It’s a hell of a thing to decide who should be first, second, and third to be notified of your death: names and contact information for family, friends, neighbors, doctors, undertakers, and executors.

A hell of a thing to consider how much ceremony (and burden on your survivors) should be involved after your passing: Traditional open casket funeral? Celebration of life? Church Service? Wild party? Nothing?

A hell of a thing to decide the disposition of your lifeless body for eternity… Organ donation? Medical school cadaver? Medical research? Burial? Cremation? Composting? Other?

It’s a hell of a thing to compile and share all your personal information: legal name, date and place of birth, social security number, legal residence, telephone number(s), marital status, dependents, Medicare/Medicaid information, citizenship, military service, veteran’s benefits, employment history, education records, voter registration, passport, club, union, and organization memberships.

A hell of a thing to compile, document, and share your financial life as necessary: savings and checking accounts, credit and debit cards, brokerage accounts, pensions, 401ks, annuities, stocks, bonds, real estate, business interests, outstanding debts, mortgages, liens, life insurance, health insurance, direct deposits, social security income, sustaining charitable donations.

It’s a hell of a thing to decide who you trust and who will be entrusted with managing your financial affairs should you lose the capacity to speak and act on your own behalf.

A hell of a thing to decide who you trust and who will be entrusted with honoring your final wishes should you lose the capacity to speak and act on your own behalf.

A hell of thing to decide how to care for and who will care for your dependents, children, and pets.

A hell of a thing to review your digital life: personal computers, smart phones, websites and social media, email addresses, and password access to above. To decide what’s worth preserving for posterity. What should be deleted. What should remain private. What to share with loved ones and the wider world when you’re gone.

It’s a hell of a thing… as necessary as it is vulgar… to decide what will become of your money and material possessions–so dispassionately called your “estate”–when you’re gone. A hell of thing to make it all legal.

A hell of thing to compile all the necessary documents. To decide where to store them, how to store them. To decide who to inform of their existence, significance, and location. Who will be granted access–by password, combination, or key.

A hell of a thing to communicate all the above to your loved ones and legal representatives as appropriate—first during the planning stages, second after your decisions have been made, and third after all legal arrangements are complete. A hell of a thing to decide WHAT to share, WHO to share it with, HOW to share it, WHEN to share it, IF to share it.

So much to consider.

So much to decide.

So many heavy conversations.

A hell of a thing to share all the above as needed–verbally and in writing–to ensure all your wishes are understood, respected, protected, and honored. Not a time for confusion or misunderstanding.

All the above not knowing how long the rest of your life is going to be.

It’s a hell of a thing.

A hell of a thing.

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An Eye Opener

It wasn’t until I started getting my affairs in order that I appreciated the weight of honesty, courage, and love required to do it right…

I’m not just talking about the time, expense, and aggravation required to compile and organize the ephemera of one’s life, understand how the system works, find legal help, do the requisite paperwork, and make it all official.

I’m talking about the PROCESS, as deeply instructive as it is disquieting…

… of taking inventory, literally and figuratively, of one’s life.

… of taking stock of what really matters and what doesn’t.

A PROCESS that requires the deepest soul-searching you’ve ever done…

… that demands you look death straight in the eye without pretense.

… that clears the mind and heart of all trivia.

… that requires the most brutal honesty–first with yourself, then with others.

… that requires the heaviest conversations you’ve ever had.

… that teaches you who your real friends are.

… that teaches you that it’s not just about you.

… that demands you bury the hatchet and to leave nothing unsaid that needs to be said.

… and that requires you to detach your identity from your material possessions before death takes them all away.

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Stuff & Junk

Getting my affairs in order would be incomplete without the gut-wrenching, heartbreaking process of taking inventory of my material possessions…

Final inventory, that is, both literally and figuratively…

… of so many things large and small… some long unseen, unused, and forgotten… in the closet, cellar, attic, and garage.

Rusty tools, pots and pans, an old TV, and worn out shoes. Prized possessions and mementos: photographs, diplomas, trophies, treasured gifts, favorite books, ticket subs, wisdom teeth, birthday cards, and love letters… scraps of notes for that book never written.

So many memories. Almost all bittersweet. Of the things I used to do, the persons I used to be, the things I once held dear. Of crushing defeats and private victories. Of painful regrets and unrequited loves. Of the wonderful people I used to know. Almost all mattering to no one else but me. And almost all of it destined for the landfill.

In the meantime I’ll do my best to relieve my survivors of the burden of divvying up and hauling off my precious junk when I’m gone. And I hope to leave each dear person a keepsake or two to laugh and cry and remember me by, even if just for a little while.

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Relief

I can’t overstate the peace of mind and enormous sense of relief that came with getting my affairs in order…

Knowing that I will not become an undue burden on anyone…

… that nobody has to wonder what my final wishes are.

… that I am not leaving my survivors with work to do.

… that nobody need make any difficult decisions during an already stressful time.

… that nobody need act against their religious views.

… that all my advance medical care wishes are in place legally.

… that nobody has to hunt for important documents.

… that I’ve hired a fiduciary (a professional executor) to handle all my affairs.

… that the bulk of my estate will be donated to causes I care about.

… that everything has been clearly communicated (both verbally and in writing) to all impacted parties.

… and knowing that I am leaving nothing unsaid that needs to be said.

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Frank’s Cancer Story continues… My Advice for Patients